De-Fat Thoughts, aka - FOOD: Friend or Hoe?

I was kinda leaning towards naming this blog something like "How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Eat the Cake, Anna Mae" but that was wordy as hell.

Today, I felt like talmbout one of the biggest elephants in the room. No, not that kale fart, but food.  We already know the lectures about what to eat and what not to eat. I'm talmbout the relationship a person has with food. 

One thing I learned in the process of getting right so I won't get left is that I had to really take a retrospective look at how I dealt with food over the years.  I mean, let's just be honest here...unless you have an illness, medical condition or something else, you don't get fat from water.  This means that somewhere along the way, food went from being what I needed for survival and became an evil little sumbitch.

Nobody likes to analyze themselves, especially when it doesn't result in some kind of glowing revelation.  It's so much easier and fun to charge shit to the game or blame someone or something else.  Well, maybe a handful o' fokes can be completely honest with themselves and 4-5 fokes, maybe?  But when you're dealing with your health, you have to be honest.  You can lie to your doctor, but even he or she will call shenanigans on that ass after a few tests.

When trying to get right (whether for weight loss or not), you have to really look at food for what it is supposed to be and what it actually is for you.  You have to evaluate your life as it relates to food.  I did that one day while watching MythBusters.  It was kinda funny.

Food for me was always interesting.  I was always bullied, heckled or policed about my size by SOME sumbitch, which meant that almost every bite I took was dissected by said sumbitch.  I wasn't very active as a child, but it was moreso by default than choice.  Having foot surgery does that to you.  So when most kids were burning off baby fat, I was posted up like a bawse. When I'd get back active, I ended up posted up like a bawse again.  Mom didn't cook, but we ate good.  Grannies cooked that REAL food, and we ate good.  See a trend?

Thing is, I didn't get policed by my immejate loved ones.  It was errbody else.  My plate could actually have a reasonable portion of food (not junque) and someone had something to say.  "Don't you think you need to pass on that".  Being young and of the low self-esteem, I couldn't bring myself to say "don't you think you need to kiss my entire ass".  When I enjoyed the typical spoils of kids growing up in the late 80's/early 90's, somebody had to remind me "if you eat too much sugar, you'll end up a diabetic and needing shots in your stomach".

Sidebar: Remind me to blog about how bitches say dumb shit to fat people.

ANYHOO. Years of being told that type of stuff..just because I was fat and eating food resulted in me doing what I thought could end the bullying and shit.

I stopped eating in front of people I wasn't cool with. 

From 10th grade on, I didn't eat lunch in the cafeteria.  In the year I was at Central, I never sat at a table in that lunchroom.  At White Station, I had to sit in there once because one of the assistant principals cleared the halls and made us go into the lunchroom.  I damn near threw up.  I didn't eat.  I did eat stuff in high school and I did have the money for whatever I so desired, but I didn't eat it around people outside my crew.  I can say that nobody said shit sideways to me about eating..but I didn't realize that I had given all my power away to bastards that never gave a damn about me.

*no, the pic doesn't fit..I just wanted it there*

Even in college, I couldn't sit down and eat.  I always feared the next insult.  I would end many of my days with major headaches because I would have gone hours without nothing more than a Dr. Pepper. I was starving myself all damn day...then finally when I was away from all the damn food police...I ate.

I didn't do that stereotypical gorging type of thing that they show on TV when the fat kid two-fists food in a cartoonish sort of way.  That was never my steez.

I did eat a lot.  But what do you think happens when a person literally doesn't touch one lick of food from the time they woke at 6am until after they get home at almost 10pm?  Well, for me..instead of getting a 5 piece whole wing, I got a 10 piece and ate it all..and washed it down with a Dr. Pepper or Steel Reserve 211. 

When I read that last line, that shit sounded fat! LMAO!  But it was GOOOOOOD!

In short, I ate bad food in one fell swoop.  Food was not being used for my survival at that point.  It was being used to medicate pain that happened back when I was younger.  It was also medicating that headache that came from putting up this front..acting like I didn't need to eat so I wouldn't get teased.  There I was in my 20's..eating my ass bigger..because I was so scared to eat in front of people..who didn't give a damn about me..and who most likely talked about me anyways..

So was not serving as the fuel to keep my body going.

It's so funny to me when I think about that.  It's not sad anymore because I have dealt with those emotions.  I also got to the point in which I've accepted that people will always have something to say about my size.  I have also begun repairing my relationship with food.

When food is such a major part of your life, it is so hard to make changes.  People's memories often evolve around food.  One of my best stories (per my godbrother) is the Legend of the Burnt and Raw Thanksgiving Macaroni.

***that damn macaroni, doe***

Food is how we show our love or pay homage.  Major decisions are made over food.  Good food gets you invited back and bad food gets you stuck with "Ice Duty".  When you finally realize that you don't need food emotionally, and begin to demote it from being your crutch, you can begin a path to better living.

I'm sure not everyone's food relationship was as convoluted as mine.  Hell, it may be worse than mine.  Doesn't matter.  But you DO have to deal with it.  It's not over for me, by the way.  I am better but I am not done.  You have to be careful because old habits die hard..

I really like Adventure Time.



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