Heddo 2016!

I didn't do a good job with 2015. At. All.

Chile baby, The Doll spent that whole year in a perpetual state of sickness. As my sparse blog posts will reflect, I didn't do nuffin sufficiently. My mind was weak, and it reflected in my physical health. It started with the flu, annnnnnd it went downhill from thurr.

And you know what? I'm happy as hell I went through it.

One might ask if I finally lost my marbles. I would answer in the affirmative. There is one dadgummed marble left. Un marble. At least that saptapper is blue!

Have a drink with me, Delegation. This is going to be one hellified ride. Keep yo hands and feet inside the ride at all times. Or not. Hell. I just hope you met your deductible.

This year, I solemnly swear to do all the things. Whatsenever Tam wants to do shall be done. I am too much yo do so little! Do you know the average Tam lamented 14 times a day during the average work week in 2015? I never hid the fact that I was (and still am) battling depression and anxiety. My therapist successfully convinced me that I was among my biggest problem. While my magnificent ass was boosting everyone else up, I was downing myself. It is kinda like how beauticians can lay errbody else's hair, but come to the shop in a baseball cap.

Yep. Tis Tam.

You couldn't beat me trying to be everything to everybody, yet nothing to myself. I would allow myself to be swayed from doing what I wanted/needed. Do you know how many times I gave my last to people? Not financial, but as a whole? Each week, I'd go to therapy and cry. She'd tell me to treat myself better. I'd agree. Then I'd fail. The next appointment, I'd recount my fails and leave with another homework assignment. My heart knew I needed to do it. My brain was like, "hey hookah. Could you do me a solid and do the things?" Then, my stomach would churn. My heart would race. In the end, I would regress.

I just couldn't bring myself to shake the table.

Yes. I defeated myself...again. It was nobody's fault but my own.

After the fifty-leventh time I ended up in a puddle of pity, it hit me.

How many gotdamn years am I going to be sick? When do I become the ally for Tam? I have a solid Delegation ready to cut a shine on my behalf, but I never did it for myself. I'd kill for my family's well-being. It looked like I was killing myself, doe. Who really won?

So here I am, damn near 8 days into a new year. Fresh out of three hunnerd and siddy fie days of hell and I was already in route to a repeat. If I were talking to someone else, I'd say "it's time to be your own best friend. Take time to make yoself happy!" All the good idears came out of my mouf but I didn't apply them. 

Alrighty. So why change now?


Sorry for yelling.

I has a leest of things I be needing to do this year of our Lordt. I will share with you, Delegation!

1. Create a vision board: Maybe if I put things out thurr for myself, I will have no choice but to pay attention. It's easy to say or think of what I be needin' to work on. It's even easier to tell myself it's futile. I copped a journal just for my visions. 

2. Do unto myself as I do unto others: I'm a ride or die wife, mom, best friend, and granddaughter. I need to apply that strength to myself. I just gave my daughter a pep talk about being courageous and not letting fear rule you. Damn shame I haven't practiced what I just preached.

3. Value the nothing: Keeping busy served as a distraction. I lied to myself everyday by saying I was going to get rest, read, watch all the Netflix and/or take a nap. My magazine pile is taller than Tyrion Lannister. My self-help books were full of helpful hints I'd never execute. I just could not be alone with me. Now, there will be Mental Health days or time allotments. I can't fight for myself if I'm cat raggedy.

4. Pull a Bishop Bull Winka: Say "hell naw"! Bruh..you just don't know how hard this will be..but just how important it is to be done. If it upsets somebody, tough titty.

5. Get David Ruffin right: this damn dog needs a structure. He is the sweetest little anarchist! Dogs know when you full of smoke. When I got that concussion, he knew I was hurt. That means he knows I'm full of shit. Would you listen to someone who you knew couldn't back up what they were saying? Cesar Millan preaches calm, assertive energy. My damn energy was on some boolsheet. No wonder Jone kept giving me them side eyes!

And last, but not least..


Beating anxiety, or at least managing it, won't happen in one week. Once a monff, I will take myself out or join a group of humans. Being a Modified Hermit is a punishment for something I didn't do. While I should be able to enjoy the peace of my home, I need to carry that peace inside myself. Hell, I may be able to do that networking thing I heard so much aboot!

Delegation, this is my year. The Doll is snatching trophies AND edges! I get one extra day in 2016 to make the best of me. No more negative thoughts. I believe, therefore I walk in it.

Get ready for the getdown!


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