Depressed, Compressed, Oppressed, Suppressed, Damn Pressed.

I been battling depression the last month, yall.

I haven't really had any motivation. I've spent the last thuddy days aggressively applying for job after job. I only got on my computer for applying. I've tried everything from receptionist to material handler and nothing has worked. I found myself getting angry. I began getting offended. I channeled my David Ruffin a la Temptations Movie and began yelling "YOU UNGRATEFUL SONS OF BITCHES" at rejection emails. I got bitter. I began feeling the urge to reply to the individuals who told me that "my experience was impressive" but they found someone "whose experience more closely matched" doing exactly what I did at my old gig. I drove up to one place that famously had me waiting FOUR HOURS only to have the owner interview someone who came in later than I did and pass me on to the other admin assistant...and fought the urge to go in and ask for him.

Oh yes, children..heffer was GUN hot.

Then I realized something..

..I was killing myself..

Slowly, I was tearing myself apart piece by piece. I was attacking myself. I let those rejections make me feel like I was less than. I took each rejection as an insult. God knows I did. I mean, how else are you to feel when you put on your finest of Macy's bought attire and sell yoself at Bunny Ranch level and some cat who never even sees you says "nah. Not good enough"?

That's how I felt every day. I would check my email and see the usual:

Sale emails.
WREG updates.
Some cat from an insurance company "saw my resume" and wants me to call.
Rejection.
$5 off somewhere.

Yep.

I knew that I wasn't the perfect candidate, but I knew I was quality. I stopped going places because I would start dissecting the joint. All a broad needed was a Chinese fan to throw shade at the establishment.

"Hmph..the cashier doesn't speak clearly."

"The receptionist can't type."

"Jones obviously didn't proofead this application."

"This dealership needs an office manager like a sumbitch."

"Ugh...let me get this damn oil change and get the hell out."

Remind me not to go back to places I've been rejected from. I had a stank ass attitude the entire time I was at Landers GMC. Maybe it had to do with the hiring woman having me run around Shelby County for 72 hours and never calling me back. Find me another GMC. I hate too many people there right now. All that wasted petrol. All that good 87 octane...GONE!

ANYHOO.

I know I ultimately have no control of who hires me. I also know that no matter how well I sell myself, someone is going to look at my resume and think what they want. If I apply to be something "below" me, the manager is going to think I'm hightailing it the first time I find a better job. If I apply for what I know I can do, the manager is going to look at my resume and find something to knock me out of the running. If I apply for something "above" me, I'll never even get my resume looked at because I'm unqualified. Then there are the known unknowns..like being kicked off the list because someone out-networked me or not being something like, skinny. Ugh...so many things.

These many reasons are why I realized that I was killing myself over something beyond my control. I was trying everyday to overcome so many things I cannot do sheet about. I was grieving the fact that I wasn't (fill in the blank). That's madness. That's insanity. That's nuts!

I am not saying that tomorrow is going to be the first day of being relaxed about this process. I can't even say that reading this is going to snap me out of my funque immediately. I think that it is going to be another step in the direction of recovery. I still need a job badly, but I can't look at these applications and cry before I get to the address line anymore. I need to get my sheet together.

I'm going to break out of this.

I'm going to get a job.

Dammit.

And I'm not going to go to all the places that rejected me and fart..

..again..

But in my defense I had a salad that day.

And I was mad.

But the salad was good.

God, I need help!

Hee hee.

For real...I need to go network, but not on Salad Day.

Comments

SDL said…
WE. ARE. CAREER. TWINS.
Beloved said…
I understand, sis.
NaKeesha said…
I'm proud of you and your courage to wrestle with your feelings and boldness to share! I believe eventually you'll be just fine in your own skin again
Patti Adams said…
Two years and nine months of this ... I now reserve the right to fire when ready. Lock and load.

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