Fundamentals of Summertime Fat...

Allow me to begin by saying...I'm fat.

I knew last Tuesday.

I'll be fat again this Tuesday.

Seeing as I am of the fat, I can share this good knowledge with thee. As it is hot as hell, I think we should address how to be fat in the summer. After all, everyone pissed on their resolutions back in March.

Many big gals (and boys) have violated the fat rules already. In case you didn't know what said rules are, allow me to share:


1. Wear what you like, as long as it fits and you have proper undergarments.

2. Know your body's shape, flaws and all.

3. Lift and separate when washing.

4. Be confident

5. No need to talk about skinny fokes. Just the mean skinny fokes.


Simple rules for fat fokes to live by. And in June, sumbitches have already pissed on the rules. Thus far, rules #1, #2 and #3 have been pissed on.

Royally.

Rule #1 gives you freedom to wear whatever the hell you want. That means if you are a size 28 and you find a dress your size, party on Wayne! HOWEVER, the rest of the rule states that you must wear proper undergarments!!! If you have big boobs, no cheap bras!

I repeat...IF YOU HAVE BIG BOOBS, NO CHEAP BRAS!!!

Yes. Since it's hot as piss and you want to be as close to nekkid as legally possible, at least pick proper items. Simply Fashions and Rainbow's clothes run small...so don't grab a 2X without trying it on first. Nothing's more embarrassing as a big chick than seeing a big chick's dimples peeking out in a dress with dead ass panties* on.

*dead ass panties (adj.)* Underwear that is too tight, too loose, holey or held together with cheap elastic or none at all.

I am a living example of Rule #2. I am a big girl who is bigger at the bottom. I have larger thighs and hips...and I wear them mighty well! LOL! My arms are larger than normal, and having two kids have given me another "D" up top. That description may sound condescending, but it's all facts. I have to know my body because I have to dress it. That means that while I may rack up on Old Navy tees and the cheapest of shirts, I have to spend a little more on my bottoms because I has all this train following me. Also, I need good boob support otherwise...I'll get them caught in my socks.

Already, we have run across women who have no clue about their body shapes OR simply don't care. I can't wear shorts. Well, I COULD, but I rather not due to my body shape. I'd have to go up two sizes, put a dart in the waist and then the legs of the shorts would be wide. Like..Grandma took a trip to Disneyland wide. This heat done made bitches delirious because you have F cup titties hanging in wife beaters. You got Daisy Dukes on wopped bodies. Damn, can you cop some Spanx if you wearing some jersey knits???

And finally...Lord...there have been mad violations of Rule #3. You ain't supposed to smell like red onions if you ain't been cooking. I have run across some rancid funk in these last few weeks!!! You know good and hell well that you got rolls. You knew that Wednesday! When you take some soap to yo ass, LIFT AND SEPARATE! Let that water get to the bone! Don't spray a shitload of flammable shit on you because you smell like old mustard near a gentle waterfall. As a big person in a world in which we are already teased, can you not be musty? For me, please?

I'm not telling you that you can't be sexy if you want to be, pudgy chicas. Wear whatever the hell you want. Do you, boo boo. But damn, remember the fundamentals. Quit losing yoself in this hot. Put some powder under them titties. If it's too hot for a girdle then pick a different material.

Just make sho you wash, rinse, and repeat.

Subsequently followed by washing, rinsing and repeating.

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