A Guide to Being a Lady (Due to Requests) ©2009 (Repost)

I saw this on a friend of a friend's page, so give credit to George Arnett for this. As the resident hellraiser, I'm going to list what he says and put my two cents in Italics because I heckle.

And heckle is what I doooooo....it's what I doooooo.

1. Learn the Power of the Pump
I don’t mean gas, but heels. Let’s just face it. Nothing kills a good dress like flats. Ballet flats can work, but if you are out on the town you need to wear heels. Or I need a doctor’s note.

Um, I sing "F Me Pumps", but I don't own them. I nip that in the bud by not even wearing dresses

2. About the Holding the Door thing
Yes, you can hold it for a man. And he should hold it for you. However, if you both approach a door and you arrive first, don’t stand aside and wait for him to open it. That won’t prompt him to open it any sooner. It will instead prompt him to call you a bitch under his breath. There is nothing wrong with thinking a lot of yourself, but having a horrible personality makes even the most beautiful woman look vile and disgusting. Have confidence, but no one likes a stuck up girl. You may be the next Kimora Lee Simmons. In the meantime, you drive an Acura. Act accordingly.

What the deuce? You better open that gosh darned door for me, My Damie! I may be a Tomboy, but I's still a woman...and a woman needs love, just like you do..HOO. Sorry, Ray Parker, Jr. moment.

3. Drink, but don't get drunk.
Same applies to you. There's nothing worse than a public display of assholism. And you can’t trust your girls to keep you away from the prowling party pervs. Don’t put yourself in that situation.

I don't. I get drunk at home so I'm only in the hands of one perv. Pay attention.

4. Bodily noises
Never allow them to be heard in public. I know you just had a big meal but that belch can be silenced. Turn your head, place your hand over your mouth, and do it quietly if you must. You are a lady, aren’t you?

Screw you, I gotta burp, I gotta burp. I do stifle to the best o' my ability though.

5. Never EVER EVER smoke anything!
Okay, call me sexist but it’s the worst thing in the world to me for a woman to smoke. No exceptions. NONE!

Just don't smoke Pall Mall.

6. Protect yourself…
…Even if he doesn’t have protection and he says to you “it feels better without one.” It’s not against the rules for you to buy protection. You don’t want to contract whatever the last chick had. If you don’t get the condoms yourself, kindly give him three phrases that include numbers. “9 months”, “18 years”, and “21 percent.” Trust me. He’ll make a store run.

I do concur with this one. It does feel better without one, but the whole childbirth thing does NOT feel sexy...

7. Learn to cook something
It’s the 21st Century, but kill all the feminist talk. The way to a man’s heart is his stomach. But in the process, make sure he learns as well. Your stomach growls as well. Plus, cooking is more healthy and affordable then dining out. And learn to set a table, please. This is not to impress his/her mother. It's just a requirement. It should be in the Bible. haha

Cooking is cheaper than dining out, but he better learn how to fry a fish or mash a tater or two as well. I ain't in this thing alone. Al Jarreau said "we're in this love together", but I ain't in this kitchen by myself!

8. Respect your mother.
You are probably exactly like her. So when she gets on your nerves, remember that your daughter will probably feel the same pain. The women around you are full of wisdom.

I respect mommy. Even when she called me downstairs to go get the remote in her room or some water. I'm training Lex in the fine art of the Remote Retrieval now.

9. Stop calling him
“I gave myself to him and he won’t call me back.” Ummm, he probably doesn’t like you. You were his piece...or in Memphis Street Vernacular, you were his "junt" or "dirty". Sorry about that but he will call you if he wants you. Don’t ever chase a boy….or a girl.

I don't think chasing is good. I think that if you break him off and he leaves you hanging, then simply write one Facebook status about him, and g'won on.

10. It’s not 1990. Your shoes don’t have to match your bag
If you are wearing all black, yes it’s common sense not to rock that huge brown purse. However, add some spice. Pop a splash of color in with that red clutch. Also, wear your bags in the correct setting. If you are at the grocery store wearing sweats, do you really need to carry your Balenciaga bag?

What the cuff? Dude think he Steven Cojocaru or some isht? Well, I don't try to match my Shox to my Che Guevara bag though...

11. Label Whores
Speaking of which, trash the accessories with Louis Vuitton and Coach written everywhere! Please! Especially when they are not real. Canal Street can not sell you class.

I can't afford them no way. NEXT!

12. The Little Black Dress
Yes, every woman should have one. However, make sure that it is classic. Not a strapless mini dress from that little store in Hickory Ridge Mall. Also, buy clothing that is appropriate for your body type. Some things don’t come in your size for a reason. Skinny jeans are for skinny people…Interesting concept, huh?

Eff dresses. They are NOT made for chicks like me! All dresses look like a tablecloth hanging off my junk. I hate them and I hate George for inferring I should own one. I don't even KNOW George!

13. Pick up the tab
Learn the value of going Dutch on a date. He should offer to pay sometimes, but you are a lady, not a princess!

I'm not above paying sometimes, but you can keep leaving your wallet if you want to...you'll be a dishwashing sumbitch.

14. Never Become “the Other Woman”
He’s not leaving his wife. And she’s not leaving her girlfriend of 8 years. Nope. Apply number 9. If you enter the situation his side piece, you will leave as that. Most people aren’t inclined to go through the trouble of turning a trick into a treat.

Ray Parker Jr. has a song called "The Other Woman". I like Ray Parker Jr.

15. Learn to watch and understand sports
Even if you don’t love them, it will be usual to watch them even if it’s only to be better equipped to win the argument over how pointless they are.

I can get down on Sports. I also know that Cranford as Kilik knocked the clothes off of Ralph as Mitsurugi whilst playing "Soul Calibur IV"...

16. Own at least on rap CD.
And don’t be offended by the B word. You know you aren’t a bitch or a hoe. Or are you? Maybe all that anger is due to you looking inward. When was the last time you were someone’s tip drill?

I agree. I'll go a step further and say that you should own at least three Ludacris CD's, The Chronic, and one Wu Tang Clan CD. Remember ladies, Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to f**k with.

17. Never Be a Groupie
If every man you’ve dated has worn a jersey professionally or has a jacket with Greek letters…check yourself. Go let your grandmother talk some sense into you!

Uh oh...somebody got offended! LMAO!

18. Pamper yourself
You all get stressed. Take a spa day every once in a while. Men should get them but it’s necessary for women to get Mani/Pedis. No one wants to see your chipped nails and your crusty feet. Even if it’s not about appearance, you need to relax.

I do pamper myself...it's called Corona Extra

19. Shut Your Girls Out Occasionally
You will be better off if your friends aren’t dictating every move you make with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Trust, me that chick who told you to leave will be there waiting to pick up your sloppy seconds. Make your own decisions.

Seeing as I have seven female friends, this ain't a problem. NEXT!

20. It’s unbeWeave-able
It’s no longer taboo to wear extensions. Everyone does it. Just MAKE SURE you spend the money on good hair and make sure it matches your texture. If you don’t want a weave, your natural hair is perfectly fine. That doesn’t mean it’s ok to wear a dust mop on your head. That’s not getting in touch with your roots. It’s triflin’. Your hair is everything. Keep it up.

That's why I calls Super Stylist Christian!!!

21. Cross your legs…
..when wearing a dress/skirt. We don’t need to see all of that. Also, it may sound cliché but panty lines should be punishable by death. There are ways around having panty lines. But contrary to what Sisqo said, we don’t need to see your thong.

That's why I don't wear them shits.

22. Surround yourself with strong men
Mentally and physically. A man knows how to tell you how to deal with a man. Your father was hard on you for a reason. And you never know when you need someone to change your tire. Do you really want to call AAA every time? If you know how to change that tire yourself…Extra points! Don't be a afraid to roll your sleeves up.

I have damn near 78 brothers for a reason. However, I changed a tire on a 1992 Lincoln Towncar whilst 6 months pregnant. Gimme my points, son!

23. It’s Ethnic!
No it’s not. Choose your children's names wisely. Do you really want to see my sister's roll book? [shaking my head] There is something beautiful about naming your child a nice, ethnic name with meaning. Joining the first three letters of your name with those of the father’s name isn’t ethnic. It’s ghetto.

I can't even dispute, son.

24. Keep your Credit Up to Par
You will impress your potential boyfriend/girlfriend more if you don’t need them financially. Be an independent woman (Question!) [Learn to get my Beyoncé references…lol]

I agree with financial independence 100%. No disputing.

25. Upgrading
Speaking of Beyoncé, never feel the need to upgrade a man. You don’t need to change everything about him. If he’s not what you want and you just can’t deal with it, move on. Don’t give him grief every minute. Financially, if you make more money than him, that’s fine. Blue collar brothers need love too.

Ain't nothing wrong with a blue collar man. However, a man with NO job and NO direction is a problem. Don't give a man grief if he isn't working, but if he's just sitting around doing nothing at all, you have a problem.

26. The Circus is Not Hiring
Keep that makeup to a minimum. Foundation is just that- foundation. It should not become your face. The same goes for accessories. Don’t overdo it. If you are wearing 10 bangles, a huge necklace, and doorknocker earrings, you look foolish. Keep it simple, stupid.

In other words, only Little Richard can wear Pancake 31

27. Be Comfortable with your Sexuality
If a woman hits on you, get over it. If that’s not your thing, politely tell her. And don’t be afraid to pursue anyone. Don’t get this confused with chasing a person, but times have changed. You can be up front. You can ask for his number. Just wait a couple of days to use it.

Okay, I'm agreeing with that. Well, except for that chick that chased me around the mall that day swearing she would be better to me than a man ever could. She didn't know what I had at the house, though!!!

28. Never hit a woman.
She slept with your man….Take it up with him. Keep the sisterhood alive. Also, never sleep with your friend’s ex, or current man for that matter. And stop being jealous of her! Don’t be afraid to give another woman her props.

Yeap, ALWAYS sprang on the man! LOL!

29. Read Something Besides Cosmo/Essence
You can impress people with what’s in your head more than what’s contained in that brassiere. Know the value of your education.

Yeap, he's right. That and the fact that Cosmo tells you it's okay to insert things into your man and black men don't typically go for said endeavor...orgasm be damned.

30. Someday Your Prince Will Come
Or your princess…Don’t rush it. Your biological clock isn’t ticking as loudly as you think. Ever sat down and watched a clock? It moves rather slowly right? Take your eyes off and better yourself. While you are distracted, that one will come along. You don’t need another person to validate you.

Prince came to the Pyramid in 2004, and I was there!

31. If He/She hits you..
Make three phone calls
a. Your mama
b. 911
c. Your brother/uncle/cousin Ray-Ray who just got out of jail
Then pack your stuff and never return!

I'd like to give you my "If He Hits Me" list: 1) Leon, 2) Ray, 3) Uncle Arthur, 4) Cousin Reggie (if out of jail at the time) and 5) The Wench Mob...in no particular order!

32. Body Image
These days we know that skinny is overrated. Be healthy and make the most of what you are. That’s not to say you can let yourself go. Know when to step away from the plate, but know when to return. Eating disorders are never a good look.

Well, I know I'm a Big Bad Broad, so all is well.

33. Bust Your Windows
I don’t care what your ex did to you. NOTHING justifies damaging his/her property. Just walk away. As you saw in Number 31, I don’t believe in men hitting women but, if you slash his tires or take a baseball bat to his headlights, I will hold you down for him.

And I would probably be the chick telling her "you know you fucked up right" a la Bill Duke from "Menace II Society".

34. Take pride in your heritage
Speak Spanish to your children. Or tell them about Martin and Rosa. Take them to the Italian or Greek festivals. You may date outside your race or straighten you hair, but be aware of where you came from. Be proud of it.

I'm proud of being a black nomad from South Memphis with a Jamaican background I'm still researching. I am also proud to say that I'm prolly taking Lex to some of those ethnic festivals too.

35. Be Honest
If everything isn't "fine", say so. If you say that it is, and it isn't...You are an idiot.

He forgot to tell you not to lose yo' damned mind either. Don't disrespect your man (or woman) in the midst of anger. It's okay to say "baby, we need to talk" but not "bitch, you ain't cuttin it".

You will bleed.

36. Pray
Because generations of women did it before you and it kept their homes together. And it changes things.

Yeah, I'm singing the MC Hammer song...and not "Pumps in a Bump"...

SO! What do you think about Brother George's note???


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