Aziz Ansari, the Necessary Discussion Nobody Wants to Have

As usual, Delegation, another turd hath hit the oscillating fan.

Read up if you haven't already.

Go ahead...I'll wait.

Now, you're probably thinking the same thing I did. You probably called him trash or were let down by finding out a good guy is a violator. Even if you didn't, Twitter has done it for you.

After reading the account from the woman involved on Babe.net, I really had to examine some thoughts on this. I mean, reeeeeeeaaaaally get off Twittah and read her account over and over again. It was when I came to the perspective that this was moreso an awkward encounter than flatfoot rape.

I was embarrassed to admit that because in the era of #MeToo (thank you Tawana), one that I'm unfortunately a member of my damn self, it seemed as if I was NOT in support of a woman. I mean, that's deadass tantamount to TREASON in this motherfucker!!!

Thing is, I shole the hell ain't on Aziz's side. Aside from giving me the magnanimous Lena Waithe, his existence isn't of any significance to me. I just think this is one of those much needed discussions that foke scared to have.

Anytime we question any aspect of a woman's account, we become victim blamers/shamers, and are villainized immediately. Now, I'm aware of how our coming forth can be dictated by a number of factors. I never wanted to admit certain things about my #MeToo because one man in my story is damn DEAD, another seems to be popular in my city, and another is a saptapper from my JSU era.

Surprise, that's the real reason I transferred from down there.

Only in therapy and years of journaling do I have a clear perspective on my past incidents. It's affected my self esteem. It affected my desire to have healthy relationships.

(Tam is crying, y'all.)

AIGHT! I'm good...but yes, now you see why sexual assault is a serious matter in my realm? It's not just some topic I talk about because Alyssa Milano and Rose McGowan blew it up. It affects me personally.

That personal connection is why people quickly attack when victims aren't immediately ready to burn a mofo's house down. It was why some wayward pussy hat called herself going in on me about my support of Brian Banks.

It didn't work, tho. *sips tea*

But we as women owe it to ourselves as victims to address the good, bad, ugly, gray, black AND white of sexual assault. It's not playing Devil's Advocate to talk about the instances where a woman is right in feeling violated, even if the man is not a rapist. We are allowed to address how awkward, uncomfortable sexual situations are the result of rape culture even if the woman wasn't raped. Telling women to speak up during sex isn't placing blame on her. It's a learning experience for us all.

In my situation with the popular guy, I remembered him feeling up on me like he hadn't had a woman since King got killed. I mean, I knew what we were going to do, and I was cool with it. He was aggressive, and I felt like he was pretty much using me to get his nut. I gained NOTHING from that buttery bullshit beyond a need for a lonnnng ass shower. Had I been more comfortable sexually, I would've been able to say "bruh, if you don't stop gnawing on my titty" and ended it had he not obliged. I learned from that day forth, no saptapper is using me as a breathing nut rag.

Sorry. That was how I felt.

I didn't talk to him again after that "Waiting to Exhale" ass debacle. I see him on Facebook often and laugh. Ol' growling ass nigga.

I don't discount that incident, as it was very formative for me. I just know it wasn't sexual assault. It was a consensual, bullshit ass, sexual encounter.

Funny how my actual rapist was much gentler.

The guy liked me. A lot. He had me by about 20 years, and it was funny to me how he made me feel like I was the most beautiful broad in Shelby County. He offered to bring me lunch one day, so being 22, broke, and at the height of my missing damns, I said yes to the free food.

We sat on the couch and talked about my love of all things Earth Wind & Fire. He joked about my giant poster of The Mack. I told him Willie Dynamite was cooler. He told me I should've been his woman. I thanked him for the yardbird. He played in my hair. I asked for a beer. He kissed me. I pulled away. He told me "I heard you loved kissing, why are you pulling back?" I felt guilty because that was a conversation I had at work in Heavyweight with my squad. I didn't even think he heard me.

He did hear me.

I was shocked as I sat there and let him replay that damn conversation to shame me into giving in. This motherfucker even remembered my friend replying to me.

"You told [name redacted] that men don't pay attention to you. I did. I noticed everything. I never ignored you. I know about everything."

He gently kissed my neck and whispered all the things I never told him personally. All I kept thinking was "he's doing everything I ever wanted. Why am I crying?"

When he got on me, I told him to stop.

He didn't.

I didn't scream. I didn't fight. I laid there and let my thoughts and his words shame me. I was angry. I knew nobody would be on my side. I knew dude liked me. I used this mane for free food. He did everything I told my friend I wished a guy would do.

I told him to stop again.

He didn't. Besides, as he said, I was his dream come true.

Only after realizing I hadn't made a peep after the last "no", did he stop.

Crazy how that went.

Seeing him at work after that was hard. Gave me the motivation to transfer out the whole damn Hub.

I found out he was dead some weeks ago. Shiiiid, I didn't know how to feel. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my friend that dude was my rapist. We joked about him, then I changed the subject.

Reading all of the stories have made me think about how hard it really is for victims to come forth. That's why I don't want to EVER make a woman regret coming forward. Every story is a catalyst for change. All of these men are part of rape culture, whether they rape or not. The fact women have to fear speaking up is the result of men who have killed women for turning them down. Hell, imagine if the first guy felt emasculated by me saying "not so hard". Nobody knew I was at his house.

I could've been killed for demanding pleasure.

So yes, we have to talk about it all. Change doesn't come from us addressing the clear cut rapes. We aren't victim blaming when we ask questions.

All we're doing is the dirty work necessary to make sure no other woman has to say "me too" or die because of saying what she wants.

I'm out.









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