De-Fat Journey Thoughts for 7/16/12, aka - LOW!
WHOO, I had a low moment this weekend!
I could have thrown a boot at someone and not felt bad except for the fact that I would have had to throw the other one or else somone would be all like "where the hell is my other damn boot".
I don't know if having highs and lows is part of losing weight (or trying to), or if I'm just nuts. I very well may be nuts.
Couldn't help it.
I guess this weekend, I spent too much time thinking about how much more I need to do. I got to thinking about all the others on their respective journeys and I keep feeling like I'm not doing very well. I'm not supposed to compare myself but it's hard not to. UGH, I just wish I could at least see the fruits of this labor!!!
I had been buttering myself up and making myself feeling better over the last few weeks, but I couldn't do it yesterday. The aching pain of Thursday's workout was still very strong, the hampers of clothes I can't fit yet are still full, the mirror isn't showing me any smaller, and there wasn't very much for me to be giddy about.
"Four Months" kept going through my head..."Four Months"...of cutting out crap and pushing myself physically..."Four Months"...
How can you not get angry when you realize that in this timeframe, people have doubled your loss in weight? I can't help but to think how bad I want to admit that this is confirmation that I cannot lose a sufficient amount of weight on my own. I remember being geeked up..even going so far as to say that if I made a loss of 50 pounds by September that I wouldn't even go through with surgery. Now I'm reminded of why I'm even enduring this process.
I began this journey in April with a decision to begin fulfilling the myriad of qualifications for surgery. One insurance wants six months of weigh ins, a dietician visit, a therapist visit, a gang of medical tests and a partridge in a pear tree. My secondary wants that plus two more dietician visits and a weight loss of 20 pounds with not one pound gained in the duration of my saga (meaning I can't do the weight lifting like I wanna because all they'll see is a weight gain...bout a bitch...)
I planned to do everything the insurances wanted, albeit grudgingly, because I knew that was the only way I'd be smaller than I was. I didn't want to go another year with this "I'm gonna lose this shit" and end that year with "maybe next year". I mean, if I need help but won't ask for it, then I can't complain. After years of Fat Fail after Fat Fail, I had to seek that medical intervention. Hell, I can't take off running..
Now, here it is Mid July and I am almost done meeting the requirements. I want to be able to say I don't need it..but it's looking like I need it. I am really not pleased. At all.
*leans head on wall*
I'm trying to bring myself back from this funque..maybe this is just how this process does you. I don't want to embark on this type of journey without a goal in mind, and I don't want to amend my goals as I go along because I failed or didn't hit my goal fast enough. I mean, my goals are in 20 pound increments..not times and dates. But just under 3 months for Goal #1 to be completed???
Yeah Chuck...I'm there right now.
Hopefully not for long, mane...
~Fin
I could have thrown a boot at someone and not felt bad except for the fact that I would have had to throw the other one or else somone would be all like "where the hell is my other damn boot".
I don't know if having highs and lows is part of losing weight (or trying to), or if I'm just nuts. I very well may be nuts.
At this point, I would typically yell DEEZ NUTS, but I'm attempting to maintain a sense of decorum.
Couldn't help it.
I guess this weekend, I spent too much time thinking about how much more I need to do. I got to thinking about all the others on their respective journeys and I keep feeling like I'm not doing very well. I'm not supposed to compare myself but it's hard not to. UGH, I just wish I could at least see the fruits of this labor!!!
I had been buttering myself up and making myself feeling better over the last few weeks, but I couldn't do it yesterday. The aching pain of Thursday's workout was still very strong, the hampers of clothes I can't fit yet are still full, the mirror isn't showing me any smaller, and there wasn't very much for me to be giddy about.
"Four Months" kept going through my head..."Four Months"...of cutting out crap and pushing myself physically..."Four Months"...
How can you not get angry when you realize that in this timeframe, people have doubled your loss in weight? I can't help but to think how bad I want to admit that this is confirmation that I cannot lose a sufficient amount of weight on my own. I remember being geeked up..even going so far as to say that if I made a loss of 50 pounds by September that I wouldn't even go through with surgery. Now I'm reminded of why I'm even enduring this process.
I began this journey in April with a decision to begin fulfilling the myriad of qualifications for surgery. One insurance wants six months of weigh ins, a dietician visit, a therapist visit, a gang of medical tests and a partridge in a pear tree. My secondary wants that plus two more dietician visits and a weight loss of 20 pounds with not one pound gained in the duration of my saga (meaning I can't do the weight lifting like I wanna because all they'll see is a weight gain...bout a bitch...)
I planned to do everything the insurances wanted, albeit grudgingly, because I knew that was the only way I'd be smaller than I was. I didn't want to go another year with this "I'm gonna lose this shit" and end that year with "maybe next year". I mean, if I need help but won't ask for it, then I can't complain. After years of Fat Fail after Fat Fail, I had to seek that medical intervention. Hell, I can't take off running..
Now, here it is Mid July and I am almost done meeting the requirements. I want to be able to say I don't need it..but it's looking like I need it. I am really not pleased. At all.
*leans head on wall*
I'm trying to bring myself back from this funque..maybe this is just how this process does you. I don't want to embark on this type of journey without a goal in mind, and I don't want to amend my goals as I go along because I failed or didn't hit my goal fast enough. I mean, my goals are in 20 pound increments..not times and dates. But just under 3 months for Goal #1 to be completed???
Yeah Chuck...I'm there right now.
Hopefully not for long, mane...
~Fin
Comments
Whatever you feel is the right thing for you, is for YOU, and you know, sometimes, people need help... and in my humble opinion (look, I MEAN that cause I spelled it out lol) another goal would be being grown up enough to know that you came to a point in your life when you realize that maybe you need someone to show you a different way of accomplishing that long term goal.
I know when I'm licked. I have been asking people for help, ideas and whatever all I think will help me get this done. It's so hard not to want to do more. I've never in my life been so motivated to get this weight off...and I think it's safe to assume that I need all help and two cents I can get!