De-Fat Thoughts, aka - Fatass Reflections
I was reading and such on Ragen Chastain's blog Dances With Fat, when I took a little time to reflect on my fatass life and experiences. When you are a fat person, you have a great deal of experiences. What may differ from fat person to fat person is how you deal with them. I've heard, seen and read so many situations in which a person was subjected to unjust abuse simply due to the size of his or her body. Tanya Angus is a 7 foot tall, 400 pound woman whose size is due to acromegaly and an inoperable tumor...but people heckle and belittle her because all they are hung up on is the body size.
To hell with the fact that she was less than half her current size at age 20.
In my life, I can truly say that I've spent it all fat. Always fat, I've been. What has changed is the view of myself. While I'm not nearly as confident as I desire to be, I am a LOT better than I was when I was in school. I was nervous as hell when I walked into my 30th birthday party in June...because I was a fat girl wearing a dress. I know big girls dress up all the time...I know this. But here's what goes on in my head:
I see this..
..and think I'm pretty cute. But then I see this..
...and then I'm like this..
Yeah mane..tis hard to walk that off.
So yeah, I am a lot better than I was, but I ain't all the way back yet either.
Society doesn't really seem to want me to be "okay" with myself though. It's as if a fat body is one that is up for constant public scrutiny. We always hear the fat shaming, and it has become so common that it actually seems to be accepted. Don't think it's accepted? A tour of People of Walmart's website shows a series of pics of people..but a great deal of them are fat fokes. Whether the person is confident or not doesn't matter, they're fat and for some reason are deserving of someone's disrespect.
I can say with a straight face that 99% of the comments made towards fat people are made out of pure disrespect. That means 1% of the comments are legitimate issues of care, concern and helpfulness. The reason I say 99% is because many times, a fat person is subjected to comments that are mean spirited and even contradictory..for no other reason than simply being fat. If a fat person is being mean, the average sideways comment will likely include a size reference moreso than the behavior.
Jumping back a few lines..."contradictory"?
You're like "contradictory comments? Tamara...what are those contradictory comments? The hell you talmbout?"
I'll share some of my experiences. Because that's what fatass reflections are all about. Here are some zingers chucked at me by fokes over the years and how dumb they are:
"Your fat ass don't need to be sitting down nowhere". I had this yelled at me on Getwell one day in 2003 when I took a seat during a walk for exercise. Why it was dumb: Regardless of your weight, age, gender, employment, immigration status, religious belief or allegiance to paper or plastic...you have to take a seat. Whether you just ran 10 miles or just finished cooking, you need to sit. Sitting is a way to rest. In my case, my damn feet were hurting because I was walking like I was Miss Sophia and needed some satdown time.
"Quit trying to walk. big ass". Circa 2002, I wanted a beer. Car wasn't running. Decided to walk to Mapco. See how that worked? Why it was dumb: You just told a big ass woman not to walk. Walking is how we get around. Walking is exercise. Dude didn't tell me to walk faster or run..he told me to quit trying to walk. If I'm such a big ass...why would you tell me to stop exercising. Yeah. No.
"Damn bitch, you eatin' ain't it?" I'd say this was 2004-like. Posted up in the mall on grub. Why it was dumb: I think we have to eat to like...live.
"Big Bel-ly, Big Bel-ly" 2000 in Jackson, Mississippi. Why it was dumb: Because I already knew that.
"Bitch, you can't fit in that car" 2007-ish. Why it was dumb: I was already driving the car comfortably with visible space in which I can manuever. Yeah, the Dot is small...buuuuut...I can fit in it. If I could NOT fit in it, the door would not have closed.
And the zinger of the decade:
"You don't get to have a motorized cart because you're too fat to walk" Last year when I was in Black Cow vol. 1. Why it was dumb: Because I had a BIG, BLACK PLASTER CAST ON MY LEFT FOOT AND WAS LIMPING TO THE CART WITH THE BIG, BLACK PLASTER CAST ON MY FOOT CLEARLY VISIBLE BECAUSE MY GRAY PANTS WERE PUSHED UP OVER IT. So yeah, in spite of having this visible cast, the bitch felt the need to comment to me about my size instead of seeing that I clearly needed the cart. Yeah, I gave her the CJ face.
I could go on and on about the foolish comments thrown at me that make no sense. It just goes to show how people really enjoy disrespecting the fat fokes. I think my sense of humor really helped me see that the ugly ass behavior is just due to someone else's insecurity and ignorance. Besides, fat fokes don't bother nobody. Speaking for myself, I didn't do anything to warrant the insults. All I did was be fat in public.
In spite of all of that...none of those comments were why I started working on my weight. I did this because I was ready and I wanted to look and feel better. I wasn't sick, on meds or trying to impress anyone. I just wanted to look and feel better. One thing I have learned is that you have to lose weight/workout for you and only you. No matter what you do, people will talk.
If I could tell my 15 year old self anything..I'd tell her that you don't have to hide. You are funny, beautiful, smart and kickass. I would also tell 10th grade Tam that what you secretly dispise will be nothing to the person who loves you for you. No need for baggy clothes and big shirts because that weight is but a descriptor. When you get ready to drop weight, it won't be because the dude you liked told you "if you did a few situps, you'd be fine". It won't be to make people quit bullying you. It won't be for any other reason than you being ready.
I would also add that when you go to Mississippi...dudes in Hinds County think all of that there is SWEXY! LMAO!
*sidebar* I was slick pimpin' in Hinds County...
Oh yes.
Now that I've reflected...it's on to the next part of my De-Fat Journey..which is strengthening my mind to match the body.
~Fin
To hell with the fact that she was less than half her current size at age 20.
In my life, I can truly say that I've spent it all fat. Always fat, I've been. What has changed is the view of myself. While I'm not nearly as confident as I desire to be, I am a LOT better than I was when I was in school. I was nervous as hell when I walked into my 30th birthday party in June...because I was a fat girl wearing a dress. I know big girls dress up all the time...I know this. But here's what goes on in my head:
I see this..
..and think I'm pretty cute. But then I see this..
(R.I.P. Mia Amber)
...and then I'm like this..
Yeah mane..tis hard to walk that off.
So yeah, I am a lot better than I was, but I ain't all the way back yet either.
Society doesn't really seem to want me to be "okay" with myself though. It's as if a fat body is one that is up for constant public scrutiny. We always hear the fat shaming, and it has become so common that it actually seems to be accepted. Don't think it's accepted? A tour of People of Walmart's website shows a series of pics of people..but a great deal of them are fat fokes. Whether the person is confident or not doesn't matter, they're fat and for some reason are deserving of someone's disrespect.
I can say with a straight face that 99% of the comments made towards fat people are made out of pure disrespect. That means 1% of the comments are legitimate issues of care, concern and helpfulness. The reason I say 99% is because many times, a fat person is subjected to comments that are mean spirited and even contradictory..for no other reason than simply being fat. If a fat person is being mean, the average sideways comment will likely include a size reference moreso than the behavior.
Jumping back a few lines..."contradictory"?
You're like "contradictory comments? Tamara...what are those contradictory comments? The hell you talmbout?"
I'll share some of my experiences. Because that's what fatass reflections are all about. Here are some zingers chucked at me by fokes over the years and how dumb they are:
"Your fat ass don't need to be sitting down nowhere". I had this yelled at me on Getwell one day in 2003 when I took a seat during a walk for exercise. Why it was dumb: Regardless of your weight, age, gender, employment, immigration status, religious belief or allegiance to paper or plastic...you have to take a seat. Whether you just ran 10 miles or just finished cooking, you need to sit. Sitting is a way to rest. In my case, my damn feet were hurting because I was walking like I was Miss Sophia and needed some satdown time.
"Quit trying to walk. big ass". Circa 2002, I wanted a beer. Car wasn't running. Decided to walk to Mapco. See how that worked? Why it was dumb: You just told a big ass woman not to walk. Walking is how we get around. Walking is exercise. Dude didn't tell me to walk faster or run..he told me to quit trying to walk. If I'm such a big ass...why would you tell me to stop exercising. Yeah. No.
"Damn bitch, you eatin' ain't it?" I'd say this was 2004-like. Posted up in the mall on grub. Why it was dumb: I think we have to eat to like...live.
"Big Bel-ly, Big Bel-ly" 2000 in Jackson, Mississippi. Why it was dumb: Because I already knew that.
"Bitch, you can't fit in that car" 2007-ish. Why it was dumb: I was already driving the car comfortably with visible space in which I can manuever. Yeah, the Dot is small...buuuuut...I can fit in it. If I could NOT fit in it, the door would not have closed.
And the zinger of the decade:
"You don't get to have a motorized cart because you're too fat to walk" Last year when I was in Black Cow vol. 1. Why it was dumb: Because I had a BIG, BLACK PLASTER CAST ON MY LEFT FOOT AND WAS LIMPING TO THE CART WITH THE BIG, BLACK PLASTER CAST ON MY FOOT CLEARLY VISIBLE BECAUSE MY GRAY PANTS WERE PUSHED UP OVER IT. So yeah, in spite of having this visible cast, the bitch felt the need to comment to me about my size instead of seeing that I clearly needed the cart. Yeah, I gave her the CJ face.
I could go on and on about the foolish comments thrown at me that make no sense. It just goes to show how people really enjoy disrespecting the fat fokes. I think my sense of humor really helped me see that the ugly ass behavior is just due to someone else's insecurity and ignorance. Besides, fat fokes don't bother nobody. Speaking for myself, I didn't do anything to warrant the insults. All I did was be fat in public.
In spite of all of that...none of those comments were why I started working on my weight. I did this because I was ready and I wanted to look and feel better. I wasn't sick, on meds or trying to impress anyone. I just wanted to look and feel better. One thing I have learned is that you have to lose weight/workout for you and only you. No matter what you do, people will talk.
If I could tell my 15 year old self anything..I'd tell her that you don't have to hide. You are funny, beautiful, smart and kickass. I would also tell 10th grade Tam that what you secretly dispise will be nothing to the person who loves you for you. No need for baggy clothes and big shirts because that weight is but a descriptor. When you get ready to drop weight, it won't be because the dude you liked told you "if you did a few situps, you'd be fine". It won't be to make people quit bullying you. It won't be for any other reason than you being ready.
I would also add that when you go to Mississippi...dudes in Hinds County think all of that there is SWEXY! LMAO!
*sidebar* I was slick pimpin' in Hinds County...
Oh yes.
Now that I've reflected...it's on to the next part of my De-Fat Journey..which is strengthening my mind to match the body.
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