That Moment You Realize You Needs an Entire Job

I have nothing else to do sooooo...I'M WRITING A BLAWG!

This one hunnerd and something odd day vacation of mine has been spent hovering endlessly on Facebook under the guise of networking.  Truthfully, I've been harvesting reaction photos and laughing at videos of the odd persuasion.

Like this:

And this:

Then I been watching Kermit be shady as hell:

Like on this'n:

But I applied for a bunch o' jobs though.

For true.

Well, anyhoo.  I reckons I'll read myself while I'm watching Hoarders.  Nothing makes you feel better about the decision not to hang up clothes than realizing you can still walk around them junts.  Also, it's good to know that you don't have whole animals mating and manifesting under your sleeping thingy.

Here's why I need an entire yob:

5.  I done cooked too damn much sheet. When you live on Pinterest, you tend to pin stuff.  I have learned how to make like fifty-leven casseroles, jambalayer, fo' pound cakes, some cookies, a lot of animals, uh, some cornbreads, a biscuit, stuff with rice, stuff with spaghetti, stuff with egg noodles.  I done Trisha Yearwood-ed, Pioneer Woman-ed, Diva Can Cook-ed, and followed a bunch of other happy women who be like "isn't this great" and I'm like "yeah...but I can't even eat this shit".  When you cook so much that you feed a fambly of fo' (including a behemoth and his daddy), yo mama and yo cousin too, you need something more constructives to do.

Totally made this.  Well not THIS, but..yeah.

Which leads to this next one..

4.  It's only so much Cracked-ing & BuzzFeeding one can do on a weekday.  I've never been so enlightened on nice facts such as the fact that Pornstache is Cotton Whirry's brother and the lady who voiced Daria is the VP of Comedy Central.  Mane look, I don't have enough sense not to give into the urge to learn worthless knowledge.  I figure it'll be worth a damn one day when I get on Knowledge Bowl and SLAY you with my mental mind.

Wait.  I can't get on Knowledge Bowl?

Son of a bitch.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

3.  I actually talk to my Roku Box.  I changed it's name to R.O.K.U.  because I felt it needed an entire name.  It's Rupert Oliver Kano Ulysses.  Don't judge me, but it's a very good friend of mine.  Rupert has comforted me throughout trying times such as the day I wanted to watch Stephen Fry talk to Morgan Freeman and that day I learned that pimpin' is truly not dead and the whores are indeed scared.  However, I learned that in some circles, the whores are not afraid, just fiscally responsible and do not want to share their funds with someone who has gold teeth and wears Stacy Adams on weekdays.

Open. Casket. Shahp.

2.  I have entirely too many photos saved to respond to fokes on Facebook.  Like, I actually sit on the interwebs and find nice little reactions to post in threads.  I don't even look at photos with a clear eye and conscience anymore.  It's like "ooooh, I'm getting Leon's ass with this one" or "this is so damn shady.  It just might work!"  Just a few gems for thine:

Occasionally, I find useful things to share of importance to the masses, though.  Like, I shared an article about traffic on the streets of Memphis and the other article about the stuff with the situation.  I swear I'm useful.

On Tuesdays because today is looking mighty bad.

And my number one reason why I needs an occupation like The Spartans on Three Hunnerd?

Because I have not bought nary a New Balance in FOUR WHOLE MONTHS!

You know, I think you secretly expected me to say something of substance, but no.  I haven't bought myself any sexy New Balance.  I'm over here acquiring nice items by way of yard sales, donations and gifts and I have to find the right New Balance to wear with them.

I was on the other day when I took a look at my Wish List.  Then I proceeded to add more shoes to it because I saw more shoes to add to it.  Being an adult and deciding to save money so I won't be screwed up when it's time to pay a bill is nice, but there is a pair of shoes RIGHT NOW that just scream "hello likes us and we likes you and we're 5% cheaper than we were when you added us in March!"

Other runners up for reasons I need a whole job include:

*Knowing a lot about reality shows you don't even WATCH watch.
*Deciding to drive to Southaven to go to Target, then deciding you need to just continue driving *points* that way down Goodman Road until you get to Marshall County because you decided to go to Goodwill in Collierville and you didn't want to take the slab so you hung a left on Byhalia Road.
*Washing your hair because that bird landed on it.
*Falling in love with Sugar Hill...the zombie Blaxploitation film, not the infamous one.
*Watching every episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent, then watching them again to see if you could've solved that junt.
*Did I mention naming my R.O.K.U. box?
*Having one more time to fall off my damn bike before needing to file for disability.
*Running in the rain and singing "Date With the Rain" by Eddie Kendricks

*Needing to find a nice outfit for the Earth Wind & Fire concert I'm going to in October.
*The fact that I had the time to conjure all this sheet up. least I'm out of "AHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M ABOUT TO GO BELLYFLOP IN THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI" phase.



Oooh, piece of candy!



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