Dang, a Heffer is Feeling Low
The last hour or two has been some ol' bull.
Sometimes, I have to take to the blog to hash out my feelings. Hell, I downloaded the Blogger Android app for this one! Shoot.
One of my bigger battles this last two months has been with my brain. Ol' girl is still making me see myself as 411 pounds. I look at myself and constantly worry if I'm not small enough. It's as if losing 160 pounds is nothing. My logical side knows that losing a whole human is the business. But that low down ass brain says "you're still fat". Even as I've acquired an entirely new wardrobe, I still see Big Ol' Tam.
The fact that my brain has been seeing the Tam from 2012 and earlier is also why I flip flop between "I can't wait to go and have fun" and "stay yo fat ass in the house". I knew that making such a big change would require mental adjustment. That meant that I would have to see food as nutrition instead of therapy. That also meant that I would no longer give food the position in my life that it once held. I guess I didn't coach myself enough to prepare for these moments.
Tonight, 71% of my Memphis Facebook timeline is at the Old School concert. I've been inundated with pictures of my peeps looking great and it actually got me down. I was for real jealous that I couldn't fix myself up the same way. I'm on Charlie Brown Cloud status right now for true. I almost want to hole up for days..knowing good and hell well it won't help.
As I lay prostrate in mi dormitorio, I am playing Iyanla, Fix My Soul. Since I am slick transparentish right now, Imma lay it out.
1. I feel like I will never look as pretty as the chicas I see. My hair isn't as luxurious. Makeup, hell, I'm scared of. I have the fashion sense of Napoleon Dynamite. I always feel awkward.
2. I can't celebrate my weight loss the way I really want. I assumed that once I got down to "Just Fat" that I would evolve a la Pokemon into a gorgeous heffer. I am still on Psyduck level.
3. As much as I try not to compare myself to other womens, I still do. I wonder if I need a nice makeover, but fear it'll be useless.
4. Self esteem is esteem o' my self. Yet, I haven't found those things aboot myself that make me feel great enough to overlook the physical. Superficial, I know. But I just can't help but to feel like I'm not the total package I see in others.
5. Though I have an impeccable shoe game in the New Balance realm, I still envy those who can rock the cute shoes and heels. I accept my Different Abledness means that heels aren't in my future, but I still feel some type of way. I guess missing out on that job still haunts me.
6. Most likely, I'm just too damn hard on myself. I'm medically banned from working out until at least April 3rd, so I have nothing to distract myself from the low feeling. All I can do is loaf around or drive.
Well..at least I've addressed my honest feelings. In the morning, I'll deal with them. Just had to get the blahs out.
I need my people.