The University of Tennemissitucky, Home of the Gryphons!

Are you tired of traditional four year colleges taking all of your money and leaving you with nothing more than a piece of paper and major debt?



Are you sick of all the "Adult Learning Programs" that really DON'T work with your life?



Do you want to play sports other than the ones the NCAA regulate to the point of boredom?



Well me too dammit!



This is why we have the new addition to the LeMoyne Owen College area...The University of Tennemissitucky!



Founded in this year, Tennemissitucky is soon to be the newest thorn in the side of the Tennessee Board of Regents..that is if they find out about us in time. The mission of our school is simple: do whatever the hell you want, pay us, then subsequently get the hell out. We don't hold you to unnecessary standards such as "Core Classes" that expire in a few years.



Funny how your courses expire...but the student loan debt doesn't...



To hell with all that. Here at the U, we cuts to the chase.



You majoring in Business? You don't need a damn Science class?



Our teachers learn you to the Business World quickfast! For example, we have a Junior Level BUS3081: Beauty Shop Peddling course taught by the Sock Man himself! Who better to prepare you for being a businessperson than a real businessperson?! If you decide to minor in Hospitality & Services, we'll teach yo ass how to be hospitable!



You will be under the tutelage of the Department of Human Services.



Be nice? Hells no! We're trying to get you the hell out!




Programs Offered



As mentioned before, The University of Tennemissitucky doesn't believe in wasting your time with frivolous courses. Dammit, student loans are high, so we rather not waste your time. We got two years before the jig is up and so do you. If you're coming here to major in Philosophy, Women & Gender Studies, or some artistic shit, then this school ain't for you.



We currently offer these wonderful degree and certificate programs:




Associates of Science in Botany




In order to sell the best weed, you got to know how to keep it green. You know, fiends will come back for refunds if you got mad seeds in the supply. You can't grow Kush in your mama's bathroom, son. You have to study the structure, growth, reproduction, metabolism, development, diseases, chemical properties and evolutionary relationships of the weed. Sounds deep? Wait until you take your final with them shits, B.




Associates of Arts in Music Entertainment & Promotion




If you're going to promote your music, you must know which Wal-Mart gets the best exposure. You can't go out there promoting Cool Kortney in Cordova. The Girl Scouts don't really like sharing the space with rappers. In order to firmly saturate the market, you have to pick the right storefronts, gimmick, attire and day. You got to be ready to get up early and stay late. Fokes don't do MySpace anymore, so you'll have to broaden your horizons. Also, you have to get the best deal on Carwraps. Nobody knows Lamar the Lavish now, but when you put a Carwrap on that Buick...



Certificate in Shadetree



Fokes ain't buying new whips like they used to. That means, you must know where the Cadillac Converter goes. You will be trained in oil changes, transmission flushes and all the shit that Jiffy Lube tries to get fokes to pay extra for. You will also learn how to properly detail an Impala SS.

Associates in Assistant Management



If you are coming to Tennemissitucky to manage a Fortune 500 company, I regret to inform you that you're essentially just paying my car note. None of our programs will get you to the top. No other school is that honest with you! Our A.A.M. degree helps you learn just how much ass to kiss to stay employed, yet maintain a small degree of dignity. Tell 'em bout the gunline boss!



Certificate in Typing



Yes, somebody really needs this. We'll get you typing 40 words per minute in no time. Well, it might take a while. One finger pecking is a good way for your program to time out.



Associates in Hair Cutting



Need a line? We got you. Want a mohawk? Do it your damn self.




Associates in Singing




Yeah, I know. A degree in SINGING? Well, how do you think Wanya Morris nailed those neck movements? Practice and instruction! We have recently opened the Shun Pace Rose School of Singing and Squalling. If you can't get the chuuch on its feet, how in the hell are you going to end up on Malaco Records?



Courses Offered




As I said, we don't endeavor to waste your time with extra shit. Round these parts, we offer just what's needed to help you get that paper. We have instruction from some of the greatest in our region. We also offer online courses! All you have to do is sign into Facebook, select your course, and you're well on your way. You can build your self confidence on your lunch break with FB4001: How to Roast Someone Blatantly, Yet Secretly in Your Status or get a new love with FB3019: How to Angle Your Camera Phone to Hide 60% of Your Body Fat. We have the Dr. Willie Wilbert Herenton Series in which you can learn how to play races against one another for your own benefit. You will also learn how to keep up your hair and skin in our JFKC TeleSeries, where we find out the best hair dye to keep that rich, obsidian tone like John Ford and Kriner Cash. If you want to be successful, you got to keep that wig straight.



Athletics



Do you want to be the next Cam Newton? Well, don't sashay your ass over here. We currently have teams forming in:



*Dominoes

*Spades

*Bid Whist

*Wii Bowling

*Word Feud

*Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood



We currently offer partial scholarships in:



*Church Shouting

*Chitlin/Collard Green Picking

*Boosting Roadmasters

*Skeet Shooting



Yes. Skeet shooting. We got Bass Pro to sponsor us for a few days.



Well, in closing, we hope you consider making The University of Tennemissitucky your new college home. We are an HBCU for at least another month, as we have been taking bids from other races to keep the lights on. We didn't sell out, we just...took the Ronald Mason route.



For more information, please fill in the comments below.



GO GRYPHONS!

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