Allow Me to Help With That, aka-Tam's Resolution Assistance Program

So many of yall are aboot to flood my Twitter timeline and Facebook home page with a bunch of impending failures for 2011.


Yeah, I said it...impending failures.


Most of you know these as "New Year's Resolutions". These are often shat upon before it warms up outside, and they really are hilarious. In most cases, the person making the resolution is so serious about this year's change that you almost think they'll make it to Easter...but they don't. Allow me to share with you some common resolutions and my thoughts. Maybe through this program you'll see where you went wrong in choosing your resolution and how you can avoid failure...or at least delay failure to Summer 2011.


*The Weight Loss Resolution*


This is one of the most common resolutions in history. They are made by so many people that King Jesus doesn't even hold this against you as a lie. He knows that you really thought you'd workout this year, so he gives you a mulligan. After having a hellified Thanksgiving at three houses, you can't wear the cute ensemble you bought for one of them Curtis Givens parties. Then there are the fokes (like myself) who have been fat for some time and already knew it. Well, the time comes where the end of the year is near and you decide "dammit, I am going to lose weight in 2011". You go buy Danskin pants to jog in, a whole pair of real shoes with toning technology, a bra that keeps your tittahs from flying up round your neck, and a real ponytail holder (or headband for the natural sistas). You case out the gyms and you redo your budget to see if you can get a whole trainer known by one name. You and 314,928 other women around the South go to the gyms and PUSH IT for three weeks. Suddenly, you just lose the urge to go back.


How to avoid failure: First of all, realize WHY you are pudgy or if you are even pudgy to begin with. Look at your eating habits. Now, as a Resident Fatass, I am aware that the assumption is that people just eat too much and therefore become fat. No. My doctor made me write a food journal, in which I found out I was only taking in 700 calories some days. So, my body basically told me that it actually NEEDED the fat!


Go figure.


Once you realize your problem, work on a reasonable change. Seeing as I'm not skinny, that means I'm no Jillian Michaels, but it's common sense after a certain point. You most likely won't lose that 100 pounds by Christmas 2011. You might find out that you don't even need to lose that much. Or, here's an idea...just don't set unreal goals for your body. You can Star Jones it if you want to. Bingo Wings ain't sexy.


*The New Man/Woman Resolution*


In 2011, you are going to try your best not to end up with another crappy relationship. You are going to stop putting yourself in situations where you end up hurt or dogged. You are also going to finally break up with that loser you've been dating since the $25,000 Pyramid was on TV. For real this time. For serious. You're packing up your dishes now. You reserved a U-Haul and called your brothers & nem to help you move while he's at work. You are gone.


How to avoid failure: First of all, you most likely realized that you were in a dead end ass relationship back when it got warm this year. I understand that you may need time to prepare for said escape, but why does it need to be a resolution? Why did it have to be super special? Just go! Or, if you vowed to put yourself "back out there" to get into a new relationship, just do it. Don't make a grand deal out of it. If you want your relationship issues to improve, you have to work on the only person you can change...yourself.


*The Educational Improvement Resolution*


You're going to go back to school in Spring 2011. What the hell did you let Fall pass by if you have been wanting to do it?


How to avoid failure: Call University of Phoenix. That way you can go year round so you won't have to coach yourself to go back in Spring 2012 after you got mad about the Financial Aid counselor.


*The Save More Money Resolution*


After being broke 11/12ths of the year, you think you've figured out how to prevent that from happening again. You DVR-ed all of Suze Orman's lil' specials and watched Oprah have all kinds of guests telling you how to save enough money to function. You opened a second (or third) bank account so you can put money in it so you won't terch it. You've even gotten a new Crown Royal bag to put spare change in. Effective January 1, 2011, no more being broke!!!


How to avoid failure: Stop buying Crown Royal to get more bags to put your change in. As with the weight loss resolution, think about why you've been broke as hell. Underpaid? Overextended? Need to downsize? Not everyone is broke from spending too much money. Also, be sensible. If you're really trying to save money, don't put yourself on such a budget that you'll end up abandoning it when fokes cancel their gym memberships in March. Decrease your cable package. Buy used games. Cut coupons. Learn to love Dr. Thunder. I know I have! *thumbs up*


*The "I Promise Not To" Resolution*


This the all encompassing resolution when you just claim to be different in 2011 compared to what you are now. You are not going to ever again wrestle with negativity, drama, bitterness...


...lack of focus...


...smoking...


...sleeping around...


...backbiting...


...gossiping...


You know, all the stuff you've been doing until someone called your ass out about it. Well, after being called out, you have made it your business to cease and desist all of this as a resolution to yourself for 2011.


How to avoid failure: If you have been doing all of that all this time, you are most likely going to screw this up and continue well into the year. The average gossip doesn't retire very quickly. So I say, just make sure you don't bring me into it or I will have another assistance program for that ass.


Aight fokes, that's all for now. If I see anymore zingers in the next few days, I'll probably have a solution for them too.


BYE!

Comments

Challon said…
Dude, nice writing. :-)

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