T.E.N. Rants, from a seated position...

WHY DID E*TRADE SETTLE WITH THAT CRACKHEADEDNESS EXTRAORDINAIRE?



Oh, good afternoon.



It was a hunnerd damn degrees today, so I felt the need to act a plum donkey. But, step away from using Axe to scrub your balls and listen as I share some stuff I learned on the interwebs.



As I opened, I was telling you guys that E*Trade actually settled with Lindsay Blow-han about the "Milkaholic" thing. Of course, they won't tell us how much crack they bought her in the settlement, but TMZ says that her team is "very happy". Welp, the lawsuit itself was for $100 MEELION dollars. We all know that David Ruffin got a gang of dope for a Lincoln Towncar and expired tickets, so ain't no telling what all ol' girl is going to buy. Oh...that is if she doesn't end up back in jail because she got a little warrant-poo out for her arrest for failing more drug tests. Someone tell her to stop letting Flynn buy her crack..



Paris Hilton kinda admitted in a way that "gum" that was actually cocaine was in her possession and plead guilty. Because of her whole famous bitch thing, she got bust in the mouth with a misdemeanor and got a year's probation. In short, if she doesn't get CAUGHT again, she won't go to jail. Em-pha-sis on getting caught.



Bruno Mars got busted for blow. Apparently crack is TOO cheap for celebs. The whole world is an ashtray for them AND Eddie Kang, Jr.



Chyna had a little too damn murch of something and ended up on the horse-pital for alkyhol poisoning. Apparently, she took at LEAST four times the prescribed amount of Benadryl and wasn't quite right. She's gravy, but she should let this be a lesson to her. Just because you're 7 foot 4 doesn't mean you go ham on the 'dryl...



For my fellow fans of watching fokes with a gang of kids live life on TV, the dad on Raising Sextuplets was arrested for raising hell. Apparently, the jackassery began with Bryan (the Jackasser) going ham on his wife (the Jackassee) because she wanted to take the kids to Phoenix and he wanted to take them to a lake. After a little headbutting, the fokes were called. Hell, they had to damn near tase cuz because he was all "I ain't did a damn thang" and such. He was charg-ed with resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and threatening domestic violence. Seeing as he was CHEESING on his mugshot, I'm sure his Tomfoolery will result in another season. Personally, I don't like cuz. He looks like he smells like goose liver.



NEXT!



Jennifer Hudson lost 20 MO' pounds! I'm happy she's happy, but her face is mad slim now. Her cheek to chin ratio ain't right. I'll take losing 20 pounds though. I got enough cheek to balance out my second chin. Therefore, I won't look like I met Bruno, Lindsay and Paris for a late night bender.



As I posted the other day...Miles Austin and Kim Kard-ass-ian ain't together. I don't give a rat's second chin what the press says, methinks that Jerry Jones was like "look, bruh. We is having the Super Bowl in the NEW house. You saw what happened when Jessica Simpson gave Romo that GOOD, right? Fire that ho before we ain't AT the Super Bowl in our new house". I say Miles should go get his woman back...



..cuz the Cowboys ain't gon' be at said Super Bowl..



OH!



*hides from Cowboy fans*



Besides...word in the skreets is that Kim K. is smoking the pipe of Chris Breezy anyweezy...



Shaq as a Celtic is still funny. So is the fact that my mama said a dude looked like Pee-Wee Herman today.



Well, I reckon I'll go have my nighttime glass of free milk. Shout out to Rajon Rondo allegedly proposing to his gal o' 5 years. Big ups to dudes who make a valiant effort to wife the baby mamas...*cough*



This is some GOOD ASS MILK by the way!



BYE!

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